Long Time No See!

I apologize for not writing in such a long time everyone. There is really no excuse other than I’ve been working hard and haven’t had time. However, God has moved my life into another chapter where I see myself writing more. You will be hearing more from me!
This week I have made some hard decisions. I have felt like a failure at times. The past maybe month or so, I had been miserable. I prayed and prayed. I asked for advice and counsel. I even fasted for the first time in a long time. I decided it was time to make a change. Over the past week, I have reflected and thought, “What if I had done things different? What if I had done this? What if I had done that? How am I going to provide for my family? I’m a failure. I’m so weak.” Those thoughts kept rushing through my head like waves crashing against a rock. Have I mentioned I am my own worst enemy?
Last night we had quite the thunderstorm and it reminded me of the misery I had been going through. This morning, there was so much bright sunshine. It put a huge smile on my face. He knows I love the sunshine. I felt like God was smiling down on me saying, “This is for you to symbolize the brightness I have planned for you. Remember that dream? I’m in control. I’m going to take care of you. Here is some sunshine for MY sunshine.”
I’m constantly asking myself, “Why did I have to go through all of that? I don’t get it!” The only answer I can see is that perhaps God put me through all of that in order to cling to Him through this season I am in now? Or, perhaps I made a mistake but God is gonna see me through. If that is the case, what if He will punish me for the mistake I’ve made? See what I mean about the crashing waves? I sincerely think the first thought I had was the correct answer. No matter what, I know He is with me simply because of that sunshine He brought to me today. God doesn’t live in the past like we tend to do. He is right here and now. Even if we let’s say “don’t write for a while” ….see what I did there….He is always ready to pick back up and say…Long time no see!

Something Incredible?

So I haven’t been writing in a few days. So sorry to my avid readers. I’ve had a little bit of writers block. Also, so much has happened this week that I’m thankful for. I truly believe that dream I had with God showing me the universe was from Him. This week I was told that I am going to be teaching music at the academy which is the bigger school adjacent to the Early Learning Center where I work now. It has been my dream for some time to work there. It goes to show how big He is. Yes, I will admit, I worried about this position and gave up for quite some time. But, I stayed positive as hard as it was.
I haven’t forgotten that I would tell you a special story about my first “silver lining” experience. To truly tell this story, I have to give some background information first. Well, here it goes…my mom was remarried when I was about six. We both found out soon what kind of a man he truly was. He was abusive to me, my mother, and his own boys. My mom knew she had made a mistake and tried to find a way out for us. On July 4th…independence day…we decided to leave and start a new life of our own all over again. That day will always remain as a different kind of Independence Day for us.
Yes, I could go on and on to say how bad it was and say poor pitiful me…but I can’t. The reason is, I found Jesus and was saved very shortly after that experience. That is something I never regret. I remember the day I said that special prayer. The minister asked to see a show of hands for those who wanted to accept Jesus into their lives or who wanted to rededicate. I remember raising my hand. It was like a string w being pulled from my hand by an angel. When I got into the car, I told my mom about it. She then went on to tell me that she had rededicated her life as well.
I remember thinking to myself how everything has a purpose. The flowers, the animals, the trees, etc. I then thought about the situation my mom and I had gone through. I thought about how I might not have accepted Jesus into my life if it hadn’t have been for those terrible things. I know it is hard, but everything happens for a reason. I challenge you to look at things that are terrible in your life and try to see just a little bit of light in it. What if this thing you are going through will lead you to something incredible?

Day 4: Sick as a Dog

Holy cannoli! Fourteen views in one day! That is something to be thankful for! Thanks guys for all your support! I hope you all get just as much benefit from this blog as I do writing it.
My husband and I are both sick today, him more than me. Since I have been battling this cold, I have contracted an ear infection. My hubby has something close to strep throat. We’re thankful that it is not and that he is not running a temperature. However, it is a bummer that we are both sick on the same day AND it is the Fourth of July. No “Star Spangled Banner” will be performed this weekend.
In keeping with my gratitude journal, what better day to write about it than on a day when you are sick? Let the test begin!
Okay, here we go:
1. Adam and I were both able to see a doctor today seeing as the CVS minute clinic was open.
2. We are both off today and don’t have to call out sick since it is the Fourth.
3. Jedi (our dog…yes we named our dog Jedi.) is behaving fairly well for a puppy when it is raining outside.
4. We have Netflix to keep us occupied when we get bored. Lately, I have been enjoying “Grey’s Anatomy.”
5. We have family close by that is more than willing to get us anything if need be while we are sick.
That was a little hard when I got to about number three, but I did it!
The Fourth of July has always held a special place in my heart and my memory. However, I’m gonna hold off writing about it for now seeing as I need some rest and food to take my meds. Thanks for reading!

Day 3: Bigger than you think!

So last night I had this dream that God was showing me his entire universe. It was just us. He told me, ” Let me show you just how big I am!” It was like he was using Google maps where you can zoom in and out of certain places. He first zoomed out from planet Earth and showed me the galaxy. He then zoomed out even further and showed me the universe. Then, He zoomed even further to show me different realms. It reminded me of the movie Thor where he tries to explain the different realms to his friend from Earth. However, God was very clear in saying that Thor was simply a legend and completely false. He told me how big everything was that He created and how much control he had over everything. That was a nice dream to think about this morning as I was waking up.
So, how did my little challenge go from yesterday? Did you think of 5 things? Maybe even just one? Ever since my dad and I have made up, we have been texting back and forth things we like about each other. Today I said that I liked how he 1-made pb and j sandwiches for us whenever we would go on a hike or when we had to eat on the go. 2-how he has traveled so many places and taken me to quite a few. He did a show in New York when I was about ten years old. I got to come and stay for about two weeks. I saw the Lion King on Broadway when it first came out. That was pretty cool. I remember learning how to run the light booth backstage as well. Imagine… A ten year old running a light booth. Yep! That was me! I guess you could call me a theater brat!
I’ve been reading this book called Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul by John and Stasi Eldridge. I came upon a passage I would like to share. It comes from the book of Isaiah chapter 61:1-3. It is a passage that Jesus referenced when He began his ministry on Earth.
“The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me, because The Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom from the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.”
To me, it has always been very comforting to know that there is someone who knows exactly what we are going through. I talk to my mom almost on a daily basis. We are very close and always have been. Sometimes, we have this weird ESP thing almost like people say twins have. We know what each other is feeling and maybe thinking at the same time. It starts to get a little weird when she answers the phone from me calling her and she says, “I was just about to call you! You must’ve known that!” We are each others’ pick me up. Whenever I am going through something rough, she always knows what to say to cheer me up. I do the same with her as well! We pray for each other and ask for prayers. We have a very unique and special bond.
So I guess you are wondering why I bring up the passage Jesus referenced and then started babbling about my mom. When I read this passage, I looked at all the positive things that Jesus wants for us. Words such as “good”, “freedom”, “praise”, and “beauty.” I am my very worst enemy at times. As a woman, I beat up on my physical appearance more than anything else. We all do don’t we? Go ahead…raise your hand! You are not alone! It makes me think how this wonderful and powerful God (one that would take the time and show me his power in a dream) wants us to live. Why do we listen to these cruel voices inside our heads if clearly we are destined for more? I relate my relationship with God to my mom because that is the closest thing I can relate to from a human standpoint. Just like my mom can feel when I’m hurt, God knows even more. I find comfort in knowing that. I hope you as my readers do too. I know there are many out there who do not believe. I pray that someday you do, because there is no peace I have ever known than a Heavenly Father that knows what I need before I ask. If you don’t yet know him, I pray that you do know someone who can lift you up when you are down. Everyone deserves to be praised and know that they are beautiful…especially us ladies! We tend to struggle with beauty the most it seems.
“We are more than conquerors.” Right?

But Why?

There are times in our lives that we simply cannot understand. “Why did this happen to me? Why me God? What did I do to deserve this?” The passing of a loved one, the loss of a job, the circumstances we are in. They are all very devastating. I’ve always been able to handle death pretty well. Everyone has their time when they leave this earth and join our Heavenly Father. I get that. For me, it’s the hard circumstances and situations left behind on Earth that seem to get to me the most.
Now, I’ve always been a big believer in things happening for a reason. I learned to accept that at a very young age as I would ask my mom and dad why they weren’t together anymore. “Mommy and Daddy just get along better when we are not together,” would always be the answer. I would always think how glad I was that they were divorced so they wouldn’t fight. As I got older, there was just one thing I could and would not accept…my dad. “Why does he do that? Why can’t he be like all the other dads? Why is he the way he is? Why does he do this? Why does he do that?” Yeah, I’ve been angry. I’ve asked The Lord many times to show me what to do about this situation. I’ve asked for prayer and guidance from others. They would say things like, “You just have to accept him the way he is.” NO! I wasn’t going to do that! For years I repeated these conversations over and over to myself for years…until the other day.
Something happened the other day. A thought about my dad came to mind, and a small voice in my head said to think positive things concerning my dad. Looking back, I know it had to be the Holy Spirit. I remembered how my dad would tell me to make a “gratitude list” when I was upset about a situation in my life. I hated doing that by the way. Anyway, the little voice told me to make a gratitude list about my dad. That was hard! I had all this pent up anger that I had only let out a little at a time through only tears. How in the world was I going to think of good things I liked about him? I sat in the quiet for a minute and all of a sudden, he texted me. It was the first time in almost a year that I had had any kind of contact with my dad. I decided to tell him right then that I wanted to accept him the way he was and try to get along. I told him that I missed him. He had missed me too! I told him that I wanted to try and break the ice a little by naming 5 things we liked about each other. Again, it was hard for me to start. For the first time in almost a year, my dad told me how pretty he thought I was and how proud he was of me. By this time, there were tears of joy running down my face instead of tears of anger.
So, yes this has been the hardest thing I’ve had to go through so far in my life. Acceptance is a hard thing especially when it’s about people you love. It’s not like you can turn on a button and their personality changes. God gives us what we get, but He never gives us more than what we can handle. I think God gave me this situation in my life to learn how to accept people more for who they are instead of trying to change them. My mom has always told me, “You can’t turn a sow’s ear into a silk purse.” Sometimes, we have to do the best with what He gave us. It is a challenge, but it is worth it in the end. If you can, try and think of some positive things about a loved one you have hard feelings towards today. Keep on the sunny side!

Seeing the Silver Lining: Day 1

The last couple of days, I have been struggling with a cold that has caused me to lose my voice. If anyone knows me well enough, they know I love to talk! All my elementary school report cards were good with one exception. They always said, “Sarah talks too much!” When my husband and I first started dating, he was quite the shy one and still is when first getting to know people. I was the main talker…always. Sometimes, I would try to be quiet long enough for him to try and start up a conversation, but to no avail…I couldn’t stand the silence!

I write to you today to try and use my inner voice to speak seeing as how my physical voice is out of commission. I’ve started this new diary as a way not only for me but for other people to see the positive in any situation. I noticed the other day just how negative my thoughts are to myself. As I was browsing to see if there was anything else I needed at the CVS minute clinic, I came across this book entitled Chicken Soup for the Soul: The Power of Positive. I of course bought it after reading a page or two. I read the first two stories as I rested and waited for my husband to get home. I realized I am not alone in this whirlwind of negativity. I have to change! My thoughts have to change about myself. Thus, I have decided to write every day for a year about gratitude and things I have found in my life to be positive even if they seem negative at the time.

I guess this being the first day, I see nothing wrong with seeing the silver lining in the most obvious thing I am facing today…the loss of my voice. This is a very hard thing for me. Like I said…I love to talk! I also love to sing. I have been singing and performing ever since I can remember. With that in mind, thinking about the positive with this situation is rough. However, it reminds me of a monologue June Sanders gives in the play “Smoke on the Mountain.” (If you haven’t seen the show, you should sometime. My dad has been performing in it since I was about six.) June is a bit of an oddball in her family of singers and performers. “She doesn’t sing, she signs!” A little musically challenged at times, June sits and watches her family sing together while every once and a while she adds a unique percussion instrument into the mix. In her monologue, she talks about her role as the listener INSTEAD of the talker and how important it is to simply…listen.

I have had the opportunity to simply listen these last few days and I will tell you, it has been no picnic! However, it has been a wonderful learning experience. For instance, you know how sometimes when you are praying and you just have all these things you wanna tell God about? Yeah, I do that. I’ve been finding myself the last few days trying to be quiet and simply bask in his presence. He knows everything already! He knows the hairs on our heads!

I hope and pray as you journey through this next year with me that you will find peace and comfort in knowing you are not alone in your struggles. I also pray that you will be able to find the good in your day to day situations not matter how horrible they may seem. May God bless you and your paths!
Jeremiah 29:11